Most desperate way to ensure your party ends up near the top of the ballot sheet: Give it a name that starts with a hashtag, even though the Gen Zs will find it so cringe. Looking at you, #Hope4SA. (It should be noted that this technique is by no means infallible: the ultimate order of the first parties on the ballot sheet is determined by a draw.)

Political philanderers: The IEC has announced that 42 candidates appeared on more than one party list. These candidates deserve our grudging respect, because most of us don’t have the energy to stand for election for one party, let alone multiple simultaneously, but you have to imagine that the “I thought we were exclusive” conversation will now awkwardly ensue.

Hell hath no fury like… Julius Malema scorned. Hoo boy! EFF MP Naledi Chirwa, one of the stars of the Fallist movement and consequently one of the EFF’s most high-profile parliamentarians, has been brutally demoted — seemingly on account of #Gazebogate.

In brief: Chirwa missed the parliamentary vote in late February on the impeachment of judges John Hlophe and Nkola Motata and was subsequently required to publish a grovelling apology to the public, in which she happened to mention that the reason for being awol from Parliament was that her four-month-old daughter was sick. Oh, and that Chirwa had taken maternity leave just one day before she gave birth, and had returned to work two months before the end of her maternity leave. Chirwa was also made to purchase two gazebos for the party as punishment.

The incident caused an outpouring of public commiserations towards Chirwa, not least because the status of women in the EFF has long been controversial. In response, Malema doubled down, cryptically tweeting that the issue was forcing EFF representatives to “defend rubbish”.

Now Malema’s revenge has been made chillingly clear. Chirwa has been humiliatingly placed in the very last position on the EFF’s national list: the 200th spot. She is last on the EFF’s Gauteng list for the regional ballot and does not appear on the provincial ballot.

EFF representatives, take note: this is what happens when you cross the so-called Commander-in-Chief.

Read more in Daily Maverick: Elections 2024

If you’re a voter who likes a Congress, you’re spoiled for choice: Take your pick from the Abantu Batho Congress, African Congress for Transformation, African Heart Congress, African Independent Congress, African Movement Congress, African National Congress, National Coloured Congress, the Pan Africanist Congress of Azania, Democratic Liberal Congress, or the good old Congress of the People. (No word on whether Cope leader Mosiuoa Lekota intends to “eat a hat” if his party loses votes in the May 29 polls. He made this promise ahead of the 2014 elections and was subsequently bullied by journalists into taking a bite out of a grey hat, though he declined tomato sauce on the side.)

If you’re a voter who’s not picky about spelling: The “Citizans” might be the party for you. Or if that’s not inclusive enough for you, try the All Citizens Party, appearing on the provincial ballot.

If you like your politicians free-range: Try the Organic Humanity Movement.

If one “Africa” in a party name isn’t quite enough for you: The Africa Africans Reclaim party is waiting for your vote.

Most misleading party name: The South African Rainbow Alliance, which sounds like it is gearing up to organise the next Johannesburg Pride — but is in fact a coalition of civil society organisations and faith-based groups led by former City of Joburg Speaker Colleen Makhubele. Fun fact: one of its campaign promises is to introduce a special social grant for “unemployed single men”, which could be wonderful news for all the unemployed single women chasing them for maintenance.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery: For the last few elections, the ANC has been gritting its teeth about the appearance on the ballot of the AIC (African Independent Congress), which features suspiciously similar colours to the ANC and has essentially been accused of stealing ANC votes via this design subterfuge.

This time around, the ANC has a more serious copyright dispute on its hands — after losing its initial attempt to have former president Jacob Zuma’s new uMkhonto Wesizwe party rename itself.

But it is not the only party cursing its sneaky rivals. The EFF now has pretenders of its own, in the form of the Economic Liberators Forum South Africa. And poor Rize Mzansi, one of the newest kids on the block, is already having to contend with upstarts Arise South Africa.

If the ANC’s support for Russia is not quite passionate enough for you: Consider the Bolsheviks Party of South Africa?

If you only care about a single issue: This used to be the territory powerfully occupied by the Dagga Party, which has seemingly fallen off the ballot as a victim of the successful decriminalisation of marijuana. But now you can take your pick, in terms of speciality subject parties, between Basic Income Grant SA (appearing on the provincial ballot) and the Referendum Party, which is selling Capetonians pipe dreams about secession. (Special shout-out in addition to the South African Maintenance and Estate Beneficiaries Association, standing for the Limpopo provincial ballot, and all the very best to whatever they do.)

Party name which sounds most like a really lame cover band: Build One South Africa With Mmusi Maimane

Most lyrical party name: Socialist Agenda of Dispossessed Africans. Chef’s kiss!

Is the People’s Advocate heading for the People’s Parliament? Celebrity advocate and world-class bullshitter Dali Mpofu appears at a vertigo-inducing number 11 on the EFF’s national list. The EFF believes strongly in a bit of star power:  Afro-Pop singer Ringo Madlingozi, kwaito star Eugene Mthethwa and actor Fana Mokoena are also in plausible positions on its list.

It’s a family business: Politics is a dynastic affair for the country’s former First Family. In what may be a first for the democratic South Africa, we have a father and son duo heading up lists for separate parties going into this election. Jacob Zuma is number one for the MK party; son Duduzane is number one for (don’t laugh, please) the All Game Changers. Duduzane’s sister Duduzile, meanwhile, is number 11 for the MK party. With Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma having opted to stay off the ANC’s list, maybe it’s a one-Zuma-out, two-Zumas-in policy operating.

Taking the biggest chance: This gong goes, unsurprisingly, to the perennially shameless JZ. There is no legal universe in which Zuma should be able to head the MK party’s list on account of his criminal record, as the IEC has already confirmed. But now the commission has to grow some nuclear-sized ovaries to chuck him off the ballot.

Our nonracial future: For the first time, the EFF has a white candidate in a credible position: Carl Niehaus is at number 27 on its national list. To put this into perspective, the EFF has 44 seats in the National Assembly, so Onse Carl has a very good chance of making it into red overalls. What a stroke of luck for the Soldier of Misfortune.

Is she in or out? Dirco Minister Naledi Pandor is still on the ANC list at number 86, despite having insisted to the media that she would not take up public office after the elections.

Also still on the ANC’s lists: Corruption-accused Zweli Mkhize (number two on the party’s list for KwaZulu-Natal); corruption-accused David Mahlobo (number 13 on the party’s national list); corruption-accused Cedric Frolick (number 10 on the party’s Eastern Cape list)… To quote a naughty colleague, “renewal” for the ANC looks a lot like that collapsing bridge in Baltimore.

Electoral candidate with the best name: Shout-out, please, to the Patriotic Alliance’s Gauteng candidate Elton John Visagie. DM